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Barbie, since your launch in 1959, you have been some of the following amazing careers:

Dentist
Doctor
Nurse
Veterinarian
Paratrooper
United States Army officer
Jet Pilot
United States Air Force Thunderbirds
United States Marine Corps Officer
United States Navy Petty Officer
Ambassador for world peace
Presidential candidate
UNICEF Summit diplomat
Firefighter
Police officer
Architect
Astronaut
Computer Engineer
Paleontologist
Flight Attendant
Pilot
Artist
Athlete
News anchor
Photographer

You know what else you've been since 1959? A straight up, hot mess, tore up from the floor up drunk. Bitch, this is your intervention.

Sure, you show up at my house in your nice, clean suit, your hair perfectly quaffed and ready to teach my girls that they can be whoever and whatever they want to be. Then, we pull you out of that box and you become a love sick, drinking booze at 10:30 a.m., drunk dialing Ken, stripper shoe wearing freak.What the HELL, Barbie? No wonder your strapped in a box like Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs. Mattel is your captor. You just want to let your freak flag fly, but, oh no, they are going to make you a woman of substance no matter what. And, as long as you're trapped in your little, plastic box everything is a-ok. You get out of that box and shit gets real. Way real. Jersey Shore real.

In every house I have EVER been in, you are in the same scenario. Naked (generally, ass up), Your hair? Totally disheveled and multiple lengths. Your shoes? Platform ass kicking boots or 7 inch heels. You are generally in a compromising situation with at least 3 to 10 other naked Barbies. Your face? Covered in marker, lipstick or glitter glue. You like to party. Hard.

Your next gig? I'm voting for a long stay at the Betty Ford Clinic where you do some big ol' soul searching with your Double Delights. Are you sad because you lack a real vagina? For all your charm, good looks and career stardom, is it the dark depression of knowing Ken will NEVER really love you? Ken digs Men, mmm-k, girl?

During your Betty Ford stay, you just might find your true calling as an Addiction Treatment Specialist. The writing is on the wall, or, it's on your face...with permanent marker.

I love you. We ALL love you. Get help.