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Bad Parenting Moments: Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow!

I realized this morning in the shower, that's where I do all of my serious thinking since it's generally the only 15 minutes in a 24 hour period I am alone, that this group is growing, I am considering growing a brand, a website and, I'm asking all of you and your friends to come along on the ride with me. Essentially, I am asking for your trust. That is a big deal. It's, quite frankly, a huge deal. Most of you don't know me and, even if we pass in the streets or share a passing conversation, we don't know what each other are made of. Some of you I have never met. Some of you live outside of the United States. So, let me introduce myself, tell you some of my secrets and then, when I ask you to join me, I hope you'll say, "Wherever that crazy lady is going, I want to be there too!"
The biggest part of my life is being a mom. It is so immense that I have often thought, who am I without them? My kids define me. I would be lying if I said anything else. I do not have hobbies (outside of my children's hobbies), I do not exercise (evident upon looking at me), I do not have a career (I left that in 2008 and have been home with babies ever since). Since the birth of my first child in 2006, for all intents and purposes, Bethany Kriger Thies has ceased to exist. Since the second my children were born, I lived for them. My interests were their interests. My time = their time. My schedule = their schedule. My life? Most definitely enveloped in their lives.
I wouldn't have it any other way, but, it can be lonely. It is lonely to lose a part of yourself even when the gain is so immeasurably great. It is lonely to not know yourself outside of mom. And, in that loneliness, there is a huge pressure to be perfect at the one thing you know you are. Every year since 2006, my New Year's resolution has been to be a better mom, to be more patient, to be more present, to be...MORE. If it is the only thing I know I am, then the failures, even tiny ones, seem overwhelming and sad. Am I a bad parent? Is every impatient word I've spoken seared into their tiny brains? Will they grow up and ignore my (desperate and constant) calls on their phone?
At the end of every night, when I'm lying in bed I think, "Tomorrow, I WILL do better. I will do more puzzles. I will make 3 nutrient rich and delicious meals that my kids will devour. I will brush my hair, put on non maternity clothing and look presentable during school pick-up. I will be a GREAT mom, scratch that, a PERFECT mom." As we all know, perfection will always be denied.
I want to continue this group because since I started it, it makes me feel ok about my moments of weakness, my impatient moments...my human moments. And, in the process, maybe I can let the full-time job of molding my piece of the future generation not seem so lonely. We are all in this together and I feel that more today than I did 1 month ago when I , with a little fear, publicly announced that, every day, I have bad parenting moments. Several. Ok, more than several.
Thank you for sharing, for laughing, for reminding me that failure, when honest and owned, makes for great recovery and for coming along on this ride.
Who am I? I'm still figuring that out, but, for now, I am a proud mom of 4 and proud to share this new part of my life with all of you.

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1 Comments:

At March 21, 2012 at 7:21 PM , Blogger Dawn Grobe said...

Oh dear friend, I am so proud of you. I insist you make your own blog and leave this one for the bad parents out there.

 

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