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Bad Parenting Moments: Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby

Friday, May 25, 2012

Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby


Get it? GET IT? It's my belly button!


Since late 2011, right around the time I became grotesquely  pregnant with our 4th (see above), I have been telling, well, spit riddled screaming to the world that we are done popping out babies like a Pez dispenser. "Nope, 4 is great! We are done. D-O-N-E. DONE!" I tell random strangers, people I see out and about, grocery store cashiers, our trash collectors and my ovaries. I particularly pour on the panicked, high pitched insistence of our brownchickenbrowncow festivities being purely non-child creation focused to the eyebrow raised inquirers (insisters), "So, you're done...right?" Those people, in particular, cause my inner people pleaser to jump triumphantly forth and ensure them that, "Yes, we are done!" When really, I want to say, "It's none of your damn business! Why don't you lower your brow before your face freezes that way!" Then I imagine kicking dirt on their freshly pressed white linen pants, giving them the full cross armed F U and speeding off in my minivan leaving them speechless, covered in peel out dirt and with a trail of Dodge fumes all up in their grill.

Word.

Instead, I match their smiling, eyebrow raised, not even hidden judgment with a saccharine, knowing look and judgment swallowing statement that confirms what they want to hear so that I can walk away and feel less like a giant, tower climbing, city destroying uterus. All I have to say to myself is, What the freakin' WHAT? As my two year old so eloquently once said, "Why I do that?" .

Why, Indeed.

I have no explanation for smiling and laughing at the SEA HAG kindly, older woman who saw me out with my children, held the door open for me as I struggled with the pack, stroller  and the older two holding my pockets and then said, "1, 2, 3, 4...that's enough!". Wahhhh Wahhh Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. As my husband would say in a sing-song voice, "Dick punch!"

I have no explanation for my quiet, meek acceptance of the douche-baggery that occurs every time I deign to walk outdoors with my ducklings in tow other than the cold, hard fact that I would not do well in prison. I'm not Martha Stewart. I can't just go to prison and bounce back with several multi-million dollar deals. Also, I don't know the first thing about shivs!  My favorite comments on the brain to mouth vomit spectrum are:

1) "Are those all yours?"

What I say: (with a smile) "Yes!"

What I want to say: "Can you show me some I.D. before I answer this question?" (After I.D. is shown) "Oh, thank God you're not law enforcement. Wait, are you undercover? SHIT!" Then, I'd ditch my shopping cart full of groceries and run as quickly as possible in the opposite direction.

2) "You should think about investing in cable!"

What I say: (forced giggling) "You're probably right!"

What I want to say: "Do you have statistics handy to show that people without cable have more children? No? Well, I'm willing to wait here with my screaming kids while you pull up that data on your iPhone. Sir? SIR...WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I WANT FACTS!"

3) "Are you running a daycare?"

What I say: (still smiling) "Some days it sure feels like it!"

What I want to say: "Yes, this is a daycare. Today is field trip day and, I think, and you will agree random stranger, that nothing is more exhilarating than taking small children to Walmart. In fact, you caught us just in time. As you can see, we are in the toilet paper section and we are just about to learn the difference the number of plys make. Good thing you caught us at this pivotal point of the learning experience."

Once, while in the library, pregnant with our fourth, a woman came up to me (who knew my husband's family) and said, "What does your husband do for work? Is he a (description of a job that makes a lot of money)?"

Me: "No, he's a (description of a job that makes far less money)."

Her: "Oooooohhhhhhh." And suddenly, my pregnancy was her business and open for judgement.

What I said: (with a smile) "We make it work!"

What I wanted to say:"We make it work. We have everything we need. We love them. They love us. That might not be good enough for you, but, it's everything to us."

And, here are my personal feelings on the subject of children. Will you love them? Will you care for them? Will you feed them? Teach them? Nurture their independence? Teach them about kindness? Will you do the hard work to release excellent humans into the world? If the answer is yes, you can have 1, 2, 5 or 25. I. Don't. Care. It's not my business and kudos to you for doing the work to make this world a better place filled with quality humans.

And, if you have a problem with me and my four amazing children, here is what I have to say:

We make it work. We have everything we need. We love them. They love us. That might not be good enough for you, but, it's everything to us.

Oh, and shove it.


January 3, 2012, the day I became "that lady who should invest in cable".






Look at how AMAZING they all are. I can't imagine life with "less". Great, now I want more. See naysayers, BACKFIRED!





















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19 Comments:

At May 26, 2012 at 1:50 PM , Blogger maura29 said...

Love.

 
At May 28, 2012 at 12:27 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Every time I encounter one of these smarties, I takes everything in me not to break out my inner Kevin and call them a "frickin idiot!". I also look at them and think: Really, THAT'S the sperm that won?

 
At May 31, 2012 at 12:38 AM , Blogger The Misfit Mommy said...

This is awesome. A lot of the remarks don't bother me, like "You must have your hands full! Here, let me help you with that..." but some have, and I shouldn't have stood for it. Unfortunately a lot of those comments come from my dear dear mother... but wanting to forcibly shut her up isn't a new thing so I just brush it off. Maybe next time I won't.. thanks for this post.

 
At June 1, 2012 at 2:47 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love it, we only have one and I am amazed at how many people go on about having more and asking why we havent had more.

"Well it was a choice between an emergency hysterectomy and my wife dying, so we went with the choice that allows her to live and spend time with the one we have."

Having kids is a choice, if you can love and look after 6 then have them. If we could have had more we would of, but it is nothing to do with any one else!

 
At June 4, 2012 at 10:57 AM , Blogger Sparkling said...

I've never understood that cable comment. Because isn't it on cable tv channels that we see the near porn that is called movies? Doesn't that inspire the creation of more kids? Makes no sense to me. I wish you would say the day care thing. That would be more than hysterical. Found you at finding the funny.

 
At June 4, 2012 at 11:35 PM , Blogger Debbie said...

Ugh - people are nosey. I have 4 little ones at home and we get those type comments all the time.

 
At June 7, 2012 at 5:41 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you for reading Misfit Mommy! Truth be told, I am far too much of a wimp to ever say these things out loud to the "offenders". I will continue to smile, nod and agree. Thank goodness for the written word or my head might explode off of my shoulders. Hang tough with your mother and sleep tight knowing you are a bette one. :) Thanks for stopping by.

 
At June 7, 2012 at 5:43 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

I have a (conspiracy) theory that there is a roaming band of idiots that say the same ill thought out, inane comments to well meaning people to get a rise out of us. Much love and respect to you, your wife and your lovely child. Thank you for reading and sharing!

 
At June 7, 2012 at 5:44 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Oh sister! You feel me! I love that you know where I'm coming from. The comments are enough to make me not go out, but, toilet paper doesn't buy itself. Until then, there's wine! Thank you for reading and stopping by!

 
At June 7, 2012 at 5:46 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you for reading and stopping by! Yes, I agree! The cable "thing" kills me. It also implies that people without cable are anti birth control? The cable argument is full of holes! :)

 
At June 10, 2012 at 2:07 PM , Blogger Kyla said...

I love people. They are such disasters.
p.s not talking about you. Or am I?

 
At June 10, 2012 at 4:47 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

I'll never tell! I like to leave people in suspense. ;) Thank you for reading!

 
At June 17, 2012 at 11:27 PM , Blogger I, Rawdah. said...

This was hilarious! I guess, nosy people transcend any form of cultural boundaries! It is the same everywhere.
If you just have 1 child, they will ask "Just 1?" . Anything above 2 is "WOW!". =D
[my mom used to tell us how people would tell her to have a 4th kid because 3-kids is 'odd'. I mean, you guys.. we have to appease everyone! No odd numbers please. 2 is perfect! ;P]

cheers from Singapore.

 
At June 18, 2012 at 2:20 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you for reading! YES, we had the same comments with 3. We had to "even it out". Then, everyone was horrified when we had 4. People are such odd creatures. You are correct, nosy people have no boundaries OR borders. :) Take care!

 
At June 20, 2012 at 10:47 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Between my husband and I we have 5, one from his first marriage, two from my first jail sentence..err marriage. Two together to make one beautifully blended family. When I was pregnant with my son (#5) you could just see the looks on people's faces when I would go out without my husband. "oh that poor girl" I constantly got the " are ALL of these yours??"
To which I said "yes" but was thinking "NOPE, just this one here, and then I found the other 3 on aisle 4 and thought they looked like my other kid so I coaxed them into coming with me" Or I'd get the "WHOA, and you got one in the oven, you guys trying for a baseball team?"

Now that he's here, all I hear is "aww bless your heart" or "Wow you certainly have your hands full! "You dont look old enough to have all these kids!
I swear soon I will just scream at some random old lady "LOOK BITCH, don't JUDGE me..I JUST CAME HERE TO GET MILK AND DIAPERS!"
My kids on the other hand get a pure kick out of it. They say to random strangers " Yeah and she's ONLY 29, by the time we are all grown she wont even be FIFTY!! or sometimes they say "Don't worry, she got her tubes tied!"

I'm glad to know that there are other mommies who have to smile and say one thing while wincing and thinking another in your head. I totally loved this post.

 
At June 20, 2012 at 5:28 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

I love this. And, your kids. Already a great sense of humor. That will get them far in life! Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. Good luck with your "baseball team". ;)

 
At July 9, 2012 at 10:25 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

First time on your blog...LOVE IT!!!! You are awesome!

 
At July 10, 2012 at 1:46 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

So happy you found me! Thank you for reading and for the ego boost!

 
At April 9, 2013 at 5:54 AM , Blogger Robyn Welling said...

I don't know anything about shivs either, but I'll cut any fool who tries messing with my blog wife! Wait until they come to our blog wedding and see all nine of our blog kids - I hope they choke on a jumbo shrimp and get crushed under the ice sculpture, which I'm sure one of the kids will tip over at some point.

 

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