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Bad Parenting Moments: Hello? Is it Keys You're Looking For?

Monday, July 9, 2012

Hello? Is it Keys You're Looking For?

I used to have brains. Big brains. Like, off to see the Wizard to discover you already had brains, brains. Ideas that didn't involve car seat buckling strategies. Ideas about life. Theories. I had things to say. Now, I just forget what I was going to say. What was I going to say?



The square root of...hey....did I ever switch that load over to the dryer?

With every pregnancy, 2 zillionths of my brain has been lost. A shit-ton (actual measurement) of lost brain matter, if you will. Most days, I can not spell words I've known my whole life. Octopus. No, octopuss? I call all of my children by the wrong name. Every day. I compensate for the guilt by concluding that it only endears me to them as you always most want to please the person who easily forgets you.

I have a key hook which may as well be a magic portal to Narnia. Keys go there, but they never ARE there. Sometimes, I will find my key ring (AHA! BRAINS!) only to find that the car key isn't on it, but, 3 sets of house keys are. WHAT? I don't know. I have NO idea. How, you ask? This is your brain on kids.

My husband has come home to find I've left both sliding van doors open. In the rain. And has walked up the deck to discover the keys. In the door. On the same day. What's missing...besides my brain? The sign that says: "Free Van and Family!"

I will be in the shower with shampoo on my head and I will think, "Where the hell am I in this shower process? Did I put conditioner on my hair first? How did I even get in here? What's that sound? Where are the kids? Where's what'shername? Did I wash my face? SHIT! It's what'shisname's snack day today! SHIT! Did I put conditioner on top of my shampoo? Why am I wearing underwear?"

I have a calendar full of reminders written in my handwriting with a pen I wielded and I generally forget to check said calendar. I walk past it, at least 100 times a day, but, it's invisible to my brain. Then there is the flip side - I look at the calendar with no knowledge of writing items down. I look at the calendar. I look at my hands. I look to the heavens. Divine calendar writing? I check to make sure ink isn't pouring from my hands a la stigmata. How in the? Who in the? Brains.

With baby # 3, I devised a clever system of placing a rubber band on the wrist of the side I last nursed on. BOOOOYAH! BRAINS! Only to go to feed and wonder if I ever remembered to switch the rubber band to the alternate side? Sleep deprived, raccoon eyed and caffeine thirsty, I'd stare at my wrist as if high. Stare. Stares. Staring. *Shrugs* Nevermind. What's the matter, grey matter?

At each pediatrician appointment, I take notice that my childrens' head circumference is growing. Growing with knowledge, growing into new hat sizes. Growing with my stolen brain. As they covertly and adorably activate the brain sucking transfer sequence, I marvel at how willing I was to let my brain go. How willing I was to do it all again. To become more Forrest Gump with each passing child. I may not know where my keys are, but, I know what love IS.

Load up, kids! The doctor says you are healthy and smarter than your mom. Everyone in? Everyone is buckled? Where are the keys? *Sees lovely, kind and sympathetic receptionist running out to van holding key ring* Sigh. Brains.


This is your brain on kids. Any questions?


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74 Comments:

At July 10, 2012 at 1:13 PM , Anonymous Suburban Snapshots said...

Sometimes I get out of the shower and find I've left the sink faucet running. But you win this one, I only have 1 kid's worth of missing cells.

 
At July 10, 2012 at 1:39 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Oooh, phantom faucet. That does wonders for the water pressure. Solidarity, sister. I am a huge fan of yours. Thank you for reading!

 
At July 10, 2012 at 2:17 PM , Blogger Melanie said...

I regularly lose my daughter's sippy cup - and twice now it's been sitting on the coffee table. A foot in front of me. I'm down two kids worth of brain cells...and I'm pretty well convinced they're never coming back.

 
At July 10, 2012 at 2:21 PM , Anonymous Sarah Samson D'Amato said...

I can sooo relate. I used to be a human being of above average intellegence. Now I have shit for brains.

 
At July 10, 2012 at 2:26 PM , Anonymous kate said...

My favorite is when I'm on the phone with someone, most recently my mom, and tell them I have to hang up because I don't know where my phone is. Or unlocking the car with my keys and then searching frantically on the ground, in the house, in my purse, in the baby's diaper.....etc for the keys that I keep having to shift around in my hands so I can look for them. It's a good thing kids are cute!

 
At July 10, 2012 at 2:27 PM , Blogger Leah Casucci said...

Timely blog. I have recently discovered that my three year old is smarter than me. I blame the birth of the 2nd child.

 
At July 10, 2012 at 2:29 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remember when my oldest was a baby. I was able to keep track of each bottle and silly cup. When my daughter was born one day I was standing at the sink asking my husband if he had looked everywhere. There was no way we could only have 3 bottle and 2 silly cups in the entire house. THEY HAD DISAPPEARED! Dafuq happened to my sense of control?

And the thing about being dressed in the shower? Every effing day.

 
At July 10, 2012 at 3:46 PM , Blogger Denise said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At July 10, 2012 at 3:52 PM , Anonymous Wub Boo Mummy said...

Have you been peeking when I'm in the shower?

Phew I thought this was all caused by early onset dementia, but it's just my Zombie kids sucking my brain.

 
At July 10, 2012 at 3:54 PM , Blogger Denise said...

I have these moments constantly, on a daily and most times hourly basis. I've killed the van battery by leaving the doors open all hours of the night. The search for misplaced keys is a morning ritual. I have no idea who lives in my house since I can't call anyone, including the pets, by their given names.

But as a mom who has not birthed even any of her babies, I can assure you pregnancy has NOTHING to do with it, although from what I understand from you procreators pregnancy is a training period for "mom brain". I never received the proper training so I feel that I'm at a disadvantage but not any less blessed.:-)

Signed,
Constantly lost in motherhood.

 
At July 10, 2012 at 4:00 PM , Blogger Dawn Grobe said...

I only have the one, but it started when I was pregnant. I would be teaching a class and totally lose track of what I was saying. As I was saying it! And I would apologize and tell the kids the baby was eating my brain. Considering his exceptional verbal skills and my...what was I saying? I know I wasn't wrong.

 
At July 10, 2012 at 5:17 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

I can sadly confirm that they do not return. Kind of like my pre-pregnancy waist. However, I take immense comfort knowing I am not alone. With you always in mom braindom! Thank you for reading!

 
At July 10, 2012 at 5:18 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Kate, I'm dying over hanging up to look for your phone. That may be the best mom brain-ism yet!

 
At July 10, 2012 at 5:19 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Oh Leah, welcome to the dumb side. ;) You are in good company. Well, you are in OK company. Well, you are in company. xo

 
At July 10, 2012 at 5:20 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Love it when you have 8 billion pieces of baby "gear" and can't find one fling flabbin' one. Sense of control...belly control all gone with the arrival of children. Thank you for reading!

 
At July 10, 2012 at 5:22 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

The Zombie Apocalypse is happening right NOW in our houses while we shower in our underwear. I heart you, Wub Boo Mummy. Thank you for reading and stopping by my blog. If I knew you were coming, I would have cleaned up a little! (dusting furiously) xo

 
At July 10, 2012 at 5:31 PM , Blogger Comic Dans said...

So kids may be your excuse, but what's mine? Because, as my better half will attest, I'm every bit this scatterbrained and absent-minded, and the closest thing we have to kids is a ceramic Boston terrier named Kimbo.

 
At July 10, 2012 at 5:48 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Mom Brain is Mom Brain is Mom Brain no matter how your children came to you. Agreed, gracious reader. Thank you for reading!

 
At July 10, 2012 at 5:49 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Brain eating babies. This has the makings of a great B Horror Movie!

 
At July 10, 2012 at 5:50 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

The amount of nephews and neices you have has given you conjunctive mombraininitis. Real.

 
At July 10, 2012 at 7:11 PM , Anonymous They got my brain too said...

Yes ma'am the onset of mombrainitis further proving the hypothe...hypoerthe...look shiny! I found your keys!!!!...wait it proves those quasi grown people (older teens and college age people) that they really must ...help me out I can't remember!!! Someone must know something here....

 
At July 10, 2012 at 7:35 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

I'd love to help you complete that thought, but, sadly...as you know, they've eaten my brain too. Let's go skip rocks and find shiny things. Deal?

 
At July 10, 2012 at 8:29 PM , Blogger Peggy Schaefer said...

Why doesn't this orange juice fit in here as well as it did when I took it out? ( thought as I am placing on in a cabinet and not in the fridge where I got it from).

 
At July 10, 2012 at 8:44 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Peggy - You know that is one of my favorite "mom moments" of all time. I'm laughing now just thinkng about it. "Why won't this FIT?"

 
At July 11, 2012 at 12:15 PM , Anonymous Motherhood on the Rocks said...

You seriously made me laugh out loud so many times! I love it!

 
At July 11, 2012 at 12:19 PM , Blogger Stephen Hayes said...

Brain sucker transfer sequence! I laughed out loud when I read this. I'm visiting from Kelley's Break Room and and I'm having a good time reading your posts. You're a gifted writer with a sharp sense of humor. I think we might have a lot in common. I hope you'll visit me sometime at Chubby Chatterbox where I write about humor, art and nostalgia. If you like what you find at Chubby Chatterbox I hope you'll take a moment to press the Join button and I'll return the favor. Take care, and try not to lose any more of your brain. You'll need it later.

 
At July 11, 2012 at 1:22 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you, Motherhood on the Rocks! I so appreciate you stopping by and reading.

 
At July 11, 2012 at 1:23 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you for reading, Stephen and for the lovely compliments. I will definitely stop by.

 
At July 11, 2012 at 6:37 PM , Blogger Just Keepin It Real, Folks! said...

I hear ya sister!!! One time I left my son's birthday cake in the car. Uh Yeah, it was an ice cream cake. What a freakin' mess that was to clean up.

 
At July 12, 2012 at 10:47 AM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Oh my God. I'm laughing yet inside...tears. I may have just bought a new car. ;) Thanks for reading. Solidarity, sister.

 
At July 12, 2012 at 6:43 PM , Blogger Gigi said...

I can totally relate! I only have the one - but he must have sucked my brain dry. And you know what? It doesn't grow back. Not to long ago, I met my husband and son for lunch. After lunch I started looking for my keys. They were nowhere to be found. Panic ensued. Finally went out to the car. And there they were. I'd left them in the car with the engine running the whole time!

 
At July 13, 2012 at 3:35 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

OH Gigi! Thank you for sharing that....so great! If we don't laugh, we cry. Thank you for reading.

 
At July 13, 2012 at 8:39 PM , Blogger Sparkling said...

The shower thing really had me going. Where am I in this process!!! I find myself doing that only when I am so deep in thought. I also do the "what if I forgot to move the rubber band" game but not with breast feeding because I dnt' have kids. BUt I devise these great memory strategies and then wonder if I'm cheating at my own game. Is this insanity? I'm not even 40 yet!! Found you at finding the funny.

 
At July 14, 2012 at 12:16 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Sparkling, Thank you so much for reading! I must say, I'm relieved to see our "affliction" is shared. Safety and laughter in numbers.

 
At July 16, 2012 at 3:41 AM , Blogger TNMom said...

LOL, this is pure genius (gawd is that right?), I have the same thing and I swear it's getting worse! I try to cover it up and hide it but shit it's hard when you forget your own name sometimes. My friends said I forgot conversations when I drink, so I quit drinking....still forgetting! It's not the wine it's the KIDS!!! I had totally never thought of it like this before - them sucking our brains - but it makes PERFECT sense! I too have asked the person I am talking on the phone with "where is my gd phone?" and I have also looked for many minutes for sunglasses that are literally ON MY FING FACE! This is so right on, I am going to share!
Devan, mommy of 2 (I saw a comment of yours on bloggess)

 
At July 16, 2012 at 7:41 PM , Blogger Meredith said...

The shower scenario is so right on the money! That's when I have all my brilliant ideas--but of course can't write them down because I'm a soapy mess. Snorted over the bit about the underwear--thanks for the laugh :)

 
At July 16, 2012 at 11:47 PM , Blogger Nicole said...

This is witty and so, sadly, true. I have missed/effed up two playdates this month alone. One at my own home that I didn't show up to, and, just today, I went to the wrong park for a playdate I arranged.


Wheeee, no brains!

 
At July 18, 2012 at 8:13 AM , Blogger Anne Kimball said...

You are brilliant. Effing brilliant. I LOVE THIS! I'm here by way of recommendation of Nicole (a'la Ninja Mom, and a'la once more to Finding the Funny).
My name is Anne, by the by. Write it on the palm of your hand so you can remember (right?). I'm from Life on the Funny Farm.
I have followed.
I will be back.

 
At July 18, 2012 at 8:58 AM , Blogger robyn said...

So, so true - sigh. At least your Hilarity Cortex is still functioning!

With my second baby I tried to keep track of which side I last nursed on by putting a safety pin on my bra strap on that side. One time I started to hunker down for a feeding and there were pins on BOTH sides. WTH? Where did the other pin come from? So I didn't even try to keep track this time around, which is why now I'm a D-cup on one side and an A- on the other.

 
At July 18, 2012 at 10:58 PM , Anonymous HeliMom said...

so glad i found this hilarity in my life....love it!

 
At July 19, 2012 at 12:40 AM , Blogger The Empress said...

Oh, thank you thank you thank you. I hate thinking it's early dementia.

I lay awake at night, heart pounding, pounding to the beat of "dementia" "dementia" "dementia"

Yes. I have followed a foul stench only to find turkey defrosting in the plates cabinet. I have found my coffee from 7 a.m finally by 3 pm, on top of the toilet tank upstairs.

And I have found a gallon of OJ in the trunk of my car from a grocery shopping trip from who knows when.

Thanks for the virtual arm around my shoulders.

Looks like I'm going to be OK.

 
At July 19, 2012 at 2:36 AM , Blogger TNMom said...

I have already commented once but I have been thinking about this post so much. I wanted to share it with my husband only to find that I couldn't remember who in the hell wrote it....I went through all my little bloggy list and found it! Whew, one more thing down. This is so profound, I read it again and laughed again, the shower thing is like daily for me....sigh, at least my kids are getting smarter. I am sharing now so I dont forget again. :)

 
At July 21, 2012 at 5:07 AM , Blogger holsen99 said...

"Free van & Free family" bwahaha! I love to laugh like that- the laughter that comes from the heart,mind & gut when you realize that someone else in the universe understands your crazy life! My kids are getting so tired of showing up at the orthodontist a day early. Or a day late. Or the wrong week altogether. My 5 year old was playing house the other day- she opened the front door, walked out, then walked back in yelling "Where are my keys?" As a mother of 8, I'm beginning to feel that cumulatively, they really have stolen every last brain cell. The good news is there are enough of them to take turns wiping the drool off my face while I stare at my college diploma hanging on the wall. Seriously, thank-you for such a verbal treat. I'm hoping I'll remember to follow you, but can't make any promises :)

 
At July 24, 2012 at 5:02 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you for reading, TNMom! I love to hear these stories. You are not alone, sister.

 
At July 24, 2012 at 5:03 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Meredith, I have to say that I'm jealous that you have brilliant ideas in the shower...or, at all. Those days are long gone for me. As gone as my keys. Seriously, where are my keys. Thank you for reading!

 
At July 24, 2012 at 5:05 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

*snort* The missed playdate at your own house is the winner, winner. Maybe the other mom forgot too? Maybe? Thank you for reading and for the recognition of this post. I'm still all starry eyed about it.

 
At July 24, 2012 at 5:06 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you, Anne! Or, is it Anna? ;) So happy you found me! Thank you for reading and for the lovely pat on the bloggy back.

 
At July 24, 2012 at 5:07 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you, HeliMom!

 
At July 24, 2012 at 5:09 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

I love how you took it to the next level with safety pins so that you could not only forget but, also potentially stab yourself after nursing. You, my dear, are hard core. Just this morning, I went to pump and attached myself to the pump bottles and attachments but, did not plug in the pump. I sat there for 15 minutes attaching and unattaching the tubes, putting in new shields, cursing at the pump. Not. Plugged. In.

 
At July 24, 2012 at 5:11 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Empress, thank you for reading and THANK YOU for the great laugh. I love these mom moments so much. No, not dementia. Of this, I am sure. I once walked in on my sister-in-law trying desperately to shove an oj container into her kitchen cabinet. She honestly could not figure out why it didn't fit. Being a mutha is serious business.

 
At July 24, 2012 at 5:11 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

This is the PERFECT comment for this post. I love it and I LOVE that you stopped by again. xo

 
At July 24, 2012 at 5:12 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you for the read and for "getting it". I love it. You gave me a great laugh picturing the droolploma scenario.

 
At July 29, 2012 at 12:40 PM , Blogger Razorblade Brain said...

Love this! And I soooo feel you. I'm back in the newborn stage after being out for so long. My big one is 6 and my little one is 6 months...fun times. I found you on the blog hop at "You Know It Happens...." New follower! Can't wait to read more of your stuff!

 
At August 1, 2012 at 3:51 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you for being here. My oldest and youngest are the same ages as yours...so, I feel you sister! Thank you for reading!

 
At October 17, 2012 at 1:44 PM , Blogger Kelley said...

This is hilarious! I really identify with the shampoo and conditioner issue. Which one came first?? Also the boob one. I remember not knowing which boob the baby got last. Thanks for the laughs!

 
At October 17, 2012 at 4:21 PM , Anonymous Janine Huldie said...

First off I can totally elate with two kids who are 16 months apart, my brain has long been lost. There are days I don't even know how I truly remember my first name, lol!! But seriously, I actually just wrote a whole blog post recently about losing my car keys and then 2 days later lost them again!! No I am not joking and wish I was, but my heart goes out to you, because I am truly right there with you on this one!!

 
At October 17, 2012 at 4:22 PM , Blogger The Tired Mother said...

I have FOUR kids so it's a wonder I even know my own name. I've gotten so confused with the names in this house, when I call for my youngest, the dog comes.

These kids siphon the brains out of you. Not only because you have to remember EVERYTHING, but you have to remember it SIX TIMES before they figure out they need to get it done. That and sleep deprivation is a recipe for being dead on your feet.

Shower? I remember those!! Now, it's all in one body wash for me, and racing out before someone flushes the toilet, or kills their sibling, or both. If I ever find the light that goes on when I'm in there, signifying that it is now time for "All Hell" to break loose, I'm going to crush it into oblivion.

 
At October 17, 2012 at 4:35 PM , Blogger cabram015 said...

New to your blog, but LOVE it! For the record, your brain actually does shrink during pregnancy. Luckily, it all comes back!
http://www.ajnr.org/content/23/1/19.full

 
At October 17, 2012 at 5:59 PM , Anonymous kim @the fordeville diaries said...

That shower scenario made me spit out my coffee. I have so been there. The only thing that saves me from wondering if I already applied conditioner is that there is no conditioner. Because I forgot to buy more. Again.

Did you see the movie "Memento"? Where he has memory loss and uses a Polaroid and tattoos to remind himself of everything. I'm thinking that may be my next move.

 
At October 18, 2012 at 12:55 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you, Kelley. I now rely on the squeeze test for the boobs. I'm a genius. ;)

 
At October 18, 2012 at 12:56 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Janine, you said 16 months apart and then my brain exploded. Way to go, mama. Thank you for reading, commenting and for surviving the brain loss with style.

 
At October 18, 2012 at 12:58 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

I have 4 as well. I doubt I'll ever recover. I imagine they're counting on that. Thank you for reading and hang tough my sister!

 
At October 18, 2012 at 12:59 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Welcome and thank you!

 
At October 18, 2012 at 12:59 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Motherhood is completely Memento. You are a genius. We already knew that, though. Thanks for reading, Kim!

 
At December 7, 2012 at 6:11 AM , Blogger TNMom said...

Just came back to read this awesome post again and it may be better this time around. I am sharing on a comment on Parenting: Crappy Pictures. Someone said that their kids take their brain and it made me think of this. Hope you dont mind. :) <3 Devan

 
At December 7, 2012 at 8:05 AM , Blogger Bronwyn said...

I've been driving (ie keys in ignition) and wondered what I did with the keys!

 
At December 7, 2012 at 6:24 PM , Blogger Maria said...

'I will be in the shower with shampoo on my head and I will think, "Where the hell am I in this shower process? Did I put conditioner on my hair first? How did I even get in here? What's that sound? Where are the kids? Where's what'shername? Did I wash my face? SHIT! It's what'shisname's snack day today! SHIT! Did I put conditioner on top of my shampoo? Why am I wearing underwear?" '

Dying. I am dying here!!

 
At December 10, 2012 at 9:27 AM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you for reading, Maria! This post describes my life. My daily life. I should probably just staple it to my ass. Happy you found it and enjoyed it!

 
At December 10, 2012 at 9:28 AM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Devan! Thank you for resurrecting this post. It's my calling card. You are very sweet to share it. Do I mind? Uhhh, negatory good lady. Love to you.

 
At December 10, 2012 at 9:30 AM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Bronwyn, Just last week, I ransacked my bag and car looking for the keys that were...right...you guessed it...IN THE IGNITION. Thanks for reading!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 2:31 PM , Anonymous Mehendi said...

So so true! Wonderful to realize it's not just me who's lost ALL of my intellect after two! Can barely put together a coherent thought anymore, forget hypotheses!
On the other hand I can multitask like never before, effortlessly carry on four simultaneous conversations, and have the reflexes of a kgb assassin!
So happy to be able to laugh with you :)

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:56 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

I too have the relexes of a KGB assassin, but, not the abs of a KGB assassin. I have the abs of the stay-puff marshmallow man. Thank you for reading and sharing in the intellectual deliquency of a mother. Cheers!

 
At January 3, 2013 at 8:58 PM , Blogger TNMom said...

Someone on my Facebook was talking about losing a game of memory to their 4 year old - BAM! Straight back to my favorite post! I shared and shared again! Then I read it again and laughed again! Love you lady!

 
At March 27, 2013 at 6:31 AM , Blogger TNMom said...

I guess I will keep being the annoying person that keeps on coming back and commenting on this over and over years later, LOL. I just had to as yesterday I put conditioner on my puffy wash thingy and just stared at it, then I was like, DUH, took the conditioner in my hand as best I could and put it in my hair only to find conditioner was already in my hair. I honestly, literally looked down to see if I had on my underwear in the shower, then I fucking laughed, out loud. Seriously, I don't know what I would do if I didn't know other mothers were as spaced out as me...probably ask my husband to have me committed! I love you mama! <3 Devan

 

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