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Bad Parenting Moments: Once Upon A Time...

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Once Upon A Time...

My husband and I have a pretty good deal. I can write whatever I want about anything I want as long as I extend him some vague, undetermined amount of privacy. I think that's fair, in theory. I'm sure no one dreams of becoming blog fodder or, in this case, blog father. I've kept this unspoken agreement that could never be held up in a court of law, until now. Honey, I love you. There's a box of your favorite cake mix in the pantry.

When I met my husband, I was on the heels of the bitter, ugly end of a long term relationship. He was a college student living in his twin sister's spare bedroom, sleeping inside a sleeping bag on a futon. On our second date, he said, "I'm going to buy you dinner. This may be the only time this happens. I just got my financial aid check." and I thought, "Wow, this is the man of my dreams."

His car was a devastatingly old Saab that required equal amounts of pressure on the gas pedal and brake in order not to stall at a stop light. I was impressed with the dexterity it took to make that happen. One foot pressing in the clutch. One foot hovering beautifully on brake and gas pedal. Hey, miracle man, wanna make some babies?

We officially set a date to be married before he officially proposed. I may have also been pregnant with our first. Details. In true good guy fashion, he hounded my dad for a private meeting. My father, always a wise man, tried to blow him off, but, my husband was persistent. At their sit-down, he asked for my hand in marriage. My father said, "May I suggest a long engagement?" to which my husband replied, "We've already set the date." This is the stuff Hallmark movies are made of.

We were married in a small ceremony in a quaint little Chapel. In Las Vegas. In the middle of July with a temperature in the triple digits. I have fond memories of holding my $99 eBay gown over my head while hovering my pregnant rump over the wall unit AC in the "bridal dressing room" -  an ancient, mildewy on-site motel room 100 feet from the entrance to the chapel. In the throes of awful morning sickness, my main concern was if I would vomit directly into my husband's mouth during our first kiss as man and wife.

We did not have a honeymoon. We instead decided to have several children in quick succession. Anyone will tell you that this is a fool-proof plan.

We went on our first date 8 years ago. We were married 7 months after our first date. Our first daughter was born 7 months after our wedding. Our son was born two years later. Our second daughter, 2 years after that, our 3rd daughter, 21 months after that.

When I look at the details that make up our story, it is not the traditional fairy tale romance. It is awkward, untimely and ridiculous. It is more often unplanned than carefully constructed. It is silly and full of shenanigans. Some did not take us seriously. Some probably still do not. However, on our third date, I knew. I knew that he and this ridiculous, hilarious, silly life were supposed to be mine. So, back off ladies, he's taken. You don't really want to take me on as a crazy ex. I mean, can you imagine?  It wouldn't work out anyway; this is a well-loved and regular conversation in our home.

Husband: "You know that I will never give you a divorce, right?"
Me: *sigh* "Yes, I know."
Husband: "Even if you move out, I will NEVER sign the papers."
Me: "What if I get a restraining order?"
Husband: "You'll have to let me see the kids. When I drop them off after our visits, I'll say, Kids, tell Mommy that I love her SO much. Ask her when I can come home. Tell Mommy I know she doesn't love me, but, I love her."
Me: *Through snorting laughter* "That is terrible."
Husband: "Well, I guess we have to stay married then."
Me: "I guess so."
Husband: "I love you."
Me: "I love you too."

And they lived happily ever after.




Never gonna give, never gonna give...GIVE YOU UP!

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71 Comments:

At December 11, 2012 at 10:51 AM , Blogger Annie said...

This is quite possibly the best (and most real) love story of all time. We definitely followed the "get married too soon and have many children in succession" idea. I'm on baby #3, and we've not been married 3 years! :) Congrats on finding a real man.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 10:58 AM , Blogger Wendi Guin said...

Those perfectly imperfect love stories are the best. :')

 
At December 11, 2012 at 10:59 AM , Blogger tt said...

"awkward, untimely and ridiculous"... I think some people have the fairly tale all wrong because this is the proof what real love, ("guess we'll just have to stay married then") is made of and the strength that comes with it.
Congrats. Thanks for the laughs and thank you for breaking your "contract" and sharing. Your honesty is a breath of fresh air.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 11:03 AM , Blogger Synnøve @ Dont Chew on the Dinner Table! said...

I love this and I love you guys... this post just made me want to LOVE!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 11:07 AM , Blogger Amy Starling said...

Best "fairy tale" ever!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 11:07 AM , Blogger Amy Starling said...

Best "fairy tale" ever!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 11:10 AM , Blogger rkaldor said...

*sigh In my head that is truly the most perfect love story every...seriously =)

 
At December 11, 2012 at 11:16 AM , Blogger Regina Garland said...

love love loved this . . . second only to me own story {sigh . . } - it would take several glasses of wine (a $6.99 bottle will do . . . ) Happy happy to you all!!!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 11:21 AM , Blogger Paige Kellerman said...

Oh my gosh, that conversation sounded like me and my husband, to a t.

Last night we were having some ridiculous conversation, and he popped his head out of the kitchen, stared at me with a straight face, and said, "Because, if I die, you're not allowed to get married ever again. Ever."

It was funnier in context. Sounds bad when I type it out.

Anywho, you guys are adorable.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 11:21 AM , Blogger Robyn Welling said...

Love, love, LOVE you guys, and your love story. Also love that you had a $99 eBay dress (Me too!), but a *little* bummed that you and I can never be (legally) married to each other in said $99 dresses. Sigh. Oh well, my hubs always says he'll never give me a divorce either, so I guess I'll settle for being your most avid Internet stalker. Congrats on many years of screwing with tradition in all the right ways, you crazy kids!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 11:29 AM , Blogger Unknown said...

hahaha this is the sweetest xoxoxo

 
At December 11, 2012 at 11:29 AM , Blogger Unknown said...

...this is Mike by the way xoxo

 
At December 11, 2012 at 11:44 AM , Blogger Nicole Shaw said...

You're a gorgeous writer. I'm kind of pissed that I didn't get pregnant before my wedding.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 11:45 AM , Blogger ilikebeerandbabies.com said...

very funny. and awesome. congrats on making work what few can do even when they start with doves and puppy dogs.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 12:18 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cheers! THIS is so real, so funny, so sweet! Thanks for sharing!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 12:35 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait til they're teenagers. They'll pit you against each other. Maybe you'll both move out and get a restraining order against the kids... Brilliant idea! Gotta go.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 1:03 PM , Blogger squirrellymom said...

aw, yay!!!!!! :)

My husband and I will look at each other and say, "you know, neither one of us is getting out of this alive." and we crack up together.

sometimes the most awesome love stories are the ones that seem like the oddest sorts. I wish you both many years of wonderfulness together.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 2:21 PM , Blogger The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears said...

I know, right?!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 2:26 PM , Blogger The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears said...

"Hey, miracle man, wanna make some babies?"
Hilarity. I am going to pretend you really said that to him at some point while sitting at a red light in that badass Saab. Did you? Please say yes.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 3:00 PM , Blogger Meredith said...

Sweet, perfect love story and marriage if you ask me. I'd tell you to hold on to this keeper, but sounds like he's not letting you go ;)

 
At December 11, 2012 at 4:57 PM , Blogger Roshni AaMom said...

Cute and perfect!! Your conversation is pretty much how talks go at my house too!!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 5:24 PM , Blogger Naps Happen said...

I love these real stories. I've found, in my experience, the true romance goes far beyond a perfect proposal (which I did not get) and the storybook courtship. The true romance is in the everyday!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 5:30 PM , Blogger katcunha13 said...

You just made me cry ugly. Big, ugly tears. My marriage happened much the same way, and trust me, neither of us will ever give up.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:15 PM , Blogger Gigi said...

I thought I had you beat (we met at the end of August and was married by January....almost 22 years ago) until you said you were pregnant; so you win!

I loved this story! Just goes to show....when you know, you KNOW! Congrats.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:38 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you. Congratulations on baby # 3 and on doing things your own way. Truly, the best way to do anything. Cheers to you and yours. xo

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:38 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

I think so too. Of course, I MAY be a bit biased. Thank you for reading, Wendi! xo

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:39 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you for the lovely compliment and for believing in imperfectly perfect love.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:39 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you for loving us in spite of our crazy ass selves. xo

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:40 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

RIGHT? Who needs the horse and the big, fluffy dress. We rescued each other. xo

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:40 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you! We think so too. xo

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:40 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

This sounds like a challenge and an invitation I willingly accept.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:41 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Paige Kellerman, my husband also uses the old Simpson's line: "When I die, I'm going to be stuffed and placed on the couch as a constant reminder of our wedding vows." i have a feeling a meeting between us and our spouses would result in much drunken, inappropriate merriment.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:42 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

We CAN get sister wife married in our $99 wedding gowns. I'll have to add 2 - 43 yards of fabric to mine now.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:43 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Those boys sure know how to pick 'em!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:44 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Nothing says, "I'm a beautiful bride!" like hemorrhoids, vomit and wanting to sleep murder your intended. Can I get a what what, ladies!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:45 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Doves and puppy dogs. Awesome.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:45 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you for appreciating our cuckoo love nest.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:46 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

You are a genius, anonymous poster. When I'm filing the paperwork in a few years, I'm going to do a celebratory sprinkler in the court administrative office in your honor.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:47 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you! Same to you and your LIFE partner. None of us are getting out alive. We may as well ride this crazy coaster together. Cheers!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:48 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Oh, I have. We say lots and lots of ridiculous things to each other because if you can't laugh at yourself and each other, what's the point, amiright? Thanks for reading and laughing! Laughing is my favorite. xo

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:49 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you, Meredith. Sometimes, when the universe is flashing a big bright sign that says, RUN! you can squint and see, MARRY HIM! This time, it totally worked out.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:50 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

I love it. Humor is the key to a long marriage. Humor and ice cream. Oh, and wine.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:51 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Agreed. I look back and want to hug my former self for making such a wise, if not completely ill thought out, decision. Thanks for reading, Alicia!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:52 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Psssst, I cried too when I wrote this. Don't tell. Many, many blessings on your marriage and relationship. Rick Astley is proud of us.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 8:53 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Paper, Rock, Pregnancy. Pregnancy always wins. ;) Congratulations on 22 years of wedded bliss. Cheers for the short courtship gals. xo

 
At December 11, 2012 at 9:12 PM , Blogger JD HonestMom said...

I love this. You guys are perfect for each other. And what is better than that? Nothing. :-)

 
At December 11, 2012 at 9:20 PM , Anonymous Kelly Collins said...

This sounds like me and my husband! I love it!!!

 
At December 11, 2012 at 9:26 PM , Blogger Dollops of Diane said...

This is the stuff that fairy tales are made of...or something like that. I'm so happy that he knocked you up and forced you to marry him. My life wouldn't be the same without you.

 
At December 11, 2012 at 9:42 PM , Blogger hilljean said...

I LOVED THIS. This is what true love stories are. And the way he is looking at you in that picture is priceless. What a sweet story!

 
At December 12, 2012 at 2:01 AM , Blogger Keesha said...

Loved this story, and your writing. A post from you in my feed is such a treat!

 
At December 12, 2012 at 2:04 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

As my husband and I celebrate our anniversary today I was touched by your story made me laugh and smile. I too have version of our first date which involves a beer garden, church trip, him on a date with another woman, and lots of laughter. It's good to see old fashioned REAL romance.

 
At December 12, 2012 at 3:04 AM , Blogger TNMom said...

So SWEET!!! Awe, I am loving this soft side of you! (I let/made my hubby read your "I believe" post this evening, he loved as much as me!) We are silly together too. (Loved the ELF reference in the comments!) :) Love you chickie! Devan

 
At December 12, 2012 at 7:21 AM , Blogger Janine Huldie said...

I loved this and as my Cinderella/Fairy Tale obsessed daughters would say, "And they lived happily ever after!!"

 
At December 12, 2012 at 9:07 PM , Blogger Button said...

This just made my day even better! Today, on my 40th birthday and after spending 12 years with my husband and giving birth to our first (and most likely only) child in March, he told me that he is still madly in love with me and can't image life without me. I knew after our third date that he was a keeper and he went so far as to tell his mother that he was either going to marry me or I was going to break his heart. I love the fact that real romance is still out there!

 
At December 13, 2012 at 4:29 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love this!

 
At December 13, 2012 at 6:20 PM , Blogger Manic Monday said...

Love! My husband proposed to me in his parents driveway while the police were at the next door neighbor's house investigating a murder! Awesome! 7 1/2 years later I know I would say yes again in a heart beat!!! Thanks for sharing your beautiful live story!

 
At December 13, 2012 at 6:20 PM , Blogger Manic Monday said...

Love! My husband proposed to me in his parents driveway while the police were at the next door neighbor's house investigating a murder! Awesome! 7 1/2 years later I know I would say yes again in a heart beat!!! Thanks for sharing your beautiful live story!

 
At December 13, 2012 at 6:33 PM , Anonymous kim @the fordeville diaries said...

Sweet and beyond perfectly imperfect. I loved it.

 
At December 13, 2012 at 8:13 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you! We're perfectly imperfect for each other.

 
At December 13, 2012 at 8:14 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you for reading and cheers to your happily ever after!

 
At December 13, 2012 at 8:17 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Ditto, sister. Ditto.

 
At December 13, 2012 at 8:18 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

He still looks at me this way and then instead of, "I do." says, "Honey, do we have any honey mustard?"

 
At December 13, 2012 at 8:19 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Oh, thank you Keesha. My posts being considered a treat basically makes this all worthwhile.

 
At December 13, 2012 at 8:20 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Now that's a story I'd love to read!

 
At December 13, 2012 at 8:21 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Devan, seeing a comment from you always makes my day. I have been a big ol' softie lately. What can I say? I guess the spirit of the season is making my grinchish heart swell. xo

 
At December 13, 2012 at 8:22 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

And, we do...every day! Well, mostly. ;)

 
At December 13, 2012 at 8:23 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you for reading and finding something to love in these words. xo

 
At December 13, 2012 at 8:24 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! I'm doing the sprinkler for you right now.

I love your romantic story and am so happy you're celebrating every day with your Mr. Right.

Eat some cupcakes!

 
At December 13, 2012 at 8:26 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Oh my God! THIS is the greatest proposal of all time. You have me beat...by a long shot. Murder always wins the weird proposal competition. I hope your love never DIES. xo

 
At December 13, 2012 at 8:27 PM , Blogger BadParentingMoments said...

Thank you, Kim! I think I'll keep him. I can't find my receipt anyway.

 
At December 15, 2012 at 10:06 PM , Anonymous Suburban Snapshots said...

I can't relate to people who don't have ridiculous stories.

 

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